Loneliness and Aloneness
Soledad y Estar a Solas
A question about a deep, lifelong sense of loneliness, surfacing through the imagined loss of one's parents, and the difference between a loneliness that aches and an aloneness that can become beautiful.
Loneliness and Aloneness
A question about a deep, lifelong sense of loneliness, surfacing through the imagined loss of one's parents, and the difference between a loneliness that aches and an aloneness that can become beautiful.
Through the meditation, the human condition of loneliness popped into my mind. I remember this sensation since I was a child; I have a memory of it inside. And then the situation of losing my parents came up. They're still here, but I'm afraid of it, and I asked myself why, because I know they aren't going anywhere. The answer, for me, was that it touches that sensation of loneliness deeper inside me, because somehow, with them here, it feels like I'm not alone. Then I started thinking about it too much, and I went into another room in that thought, and it was just like: it's only a sensation, it's only a thought. I'm not living that right now, so there's no need to go there. But I will say it's one of my deepest fears, even though I know it's an illusion.
When you say loneliness, the deepest fear is the loneliness. And when you say you know it's an illusion, what do you mean?
Because I'm not alone.
And you're referring to your parents when you say you're not alone?
Yes, but everything here is a symbol. It's just the sensation of being alone, even though I know it's not true. It's like a hole. I find peace in the meditations, but it's like living with that sensation all the time. I'd like to share that.
I'm imagining you're open for a dialogue, to explore. In that loneliness, is there a pain?
Sometimes.
Two interpretations of the same aloneness
When you say you know it's an illusion because you're not alone, what if it's not that simple? In one sense the mind is creating a solution. The reality is simple, but not in that way. There's one interpretation where you say, "It's okay, I'm not alone, my parents are here." But there's another aspect, as you said: they're a symbol. You spoke about losing them. I took that to mean some distance in the relationship, not death.
No, I was actually thinking about death, in the same way.
They're still alive, so it has to do with the imagining of their loss, which is death. That's fear. But it's also a contemplation. It's a healthy thing to contemplate what happens in our experience when we imagine the loss of our loved ones. If we're doing that all the time, it's a sign of something else. But if we're never able to contemplate it at all, that's a sign too. There's a balance. It's healthy to contemplate the loss; it's not healthy to do it constantly.
The difference between loneliness and aloneness
There's an aspect of loneliness that has a mirror side, which you can call aloneness. The way I would define loneliness is the experience of an absence of a certain connection, and the longing for that connection. If one does not have that connection, there is a pain to it, a sense of something missing, this sense of a hole you described.
Usually loneliness doesn't disappear; it transforms into something that can be called aloneness. This is the recognition that, in some ways, I will never be fully known. There will never be a complete, total connection. The depth of how I am, how I feel, my experience, will never be fully known by any other. And that cannot be bridged. What can happen is a transformation: this can be painful, or there can be peace. That is the difference between loneliness and aloneness.
Loneliness as a sign, and as a doorway
Within that, there is a whole world that has to do with our relationships with others. The feeling of loneliness can be a powerful sign. We can feel loneliness and, as I was saying in the meditation, form an interpretation around it: that something is wrong, and then an interpretation about how it should be solved. Sometimes that solution is an avoidance. At the extreme, this is the root of addictions, of all forms of distraction, all so as not to feel that sense of the hole you described.
To fully allow the experience of that loneliness, from there can come a wisdom: "I actually want to connect with this person. I want to speak to this person." The fears that arise in the intimacy of relationship can be met. In that sense, loneliness, if met fully, can be the aliveness that reveals our love for another. When we say we want to connect with someone, it's a spark of love. We see a beauty in another, in some aspect of how they are, or in many ways, and that beauty is this love.
The sharing, and what remains unshared
In that exploration, there can be the sharing of the mystery of what we are: the knowing of another, and the knowing of oneself more deeply in the mirroring of another. There can be this shared experience, the love and beauty of relationship and the learning that comes from it. And at the same time, there is the discovery that there is, more and more deeply, this aloneness that will never be seen. Even if we tried, there are things language simply could not communicate.
There can be a pain in that, or there can be a beauty in it, because there is now an openness and an ability to meet and express the love we have for others. That is healthy relating. What normally happens instead is the fear of intimacy, the guarding of intimacy, the withdrawing from intimacy. Then there is the combination of the struggle to have intimacy, plus the loneliness, plus the pain of wanting it. That is the nature of being human, of growing up and learning how to create loving intimacy with others.
And at the same time, there is a deeper place of this aloneness that does not get resolved, but it stops being the source of pain and becomes something beautiful. It can be revealed as what it always was: the beauty of the mystery of what we are. I can't fully know myself either. What I am is an infinite mystery. That could drive me crazy if I'm trying to understand and define myself. Or it can be an infinite deepening, an infinite discovery, an infinite exploration. The same is true of relationship, and of multiple relationships. And there is a place where there is no relationship, which is very hard to communicate.
What I'm trying to bring up is that there's a richness here that isn't as simple, at the level of interpretation, as "well, it's not real, so it's fine." There is a reality that is the mystery of what we are.
Embracing and letting go at once
During that journey, when I say it's not real, maybe those aren't the words I'm looking for to express what I create during this train of thought. It's like balancing between pain and being joyful during the experience. Or maybe the balance between loneliness and aloneness, is that the word you used? It's meeting in the middle. I'm not sure how to put it into words, but it's like a leap of faith, embracing and letting go at the same time. It's very intense. Through the meditation, I felt I touched that, and it was beautiful, intense, and at the same time nostalgic, melancholic. It was a mix of many sensations and emotions, and I think it's beautiful.
What you're touching on is one of the deepest aspects of being human. It's at the core of love, heart, and vulnerability. It's this dance with two realities that are both one reality. This is what we talk about when we speak of non-duality: what's in this balance, this in-between, the experience of separation and non-separation. The point is not to resolve that in the mind in any way. It is the heart, the love, the vulnerability. For me, that is the only truly healthy way, where you aren't resolving something in a spiritual process or a psychological process.
Thank you for giving me that experience through your words and the meditation. It was really helpful.
I'm very glad. You're very welcome. Thank you for sharing.