A student facing an unpaid contract notices fear and annoyance arising, and asks whether inquiring into the threatened sense of identity is the right approach. The teacher examines how inquiry can quietly become a strategy to avoid what is appearing, and explores the essence of fear, pain, and suffering.
A student facing an unpaid contract notices fear and annoyance arising, and asks whether inquiring into the threatened sense of identity is the right approach. The teacher examines how inquiry can quietly become a strategy to avoid what is appearing, and explores the essence of fear, pain, and suffering.
I have a question, if you have time. It has to do, I think, with identity, but it's about a specific situation I'm going through. I'm doing a two-month contract, and the agency is messing it up. They're not paying me; they're about twenty-one days late with a payment. Never mind the details. Almost every day I'm writing to the agent who deals with me about the account. This has actually happened once before with this agency.
I was looking at how this was distracting me. During the meditation I was looking at the fear. There was a fear, a suffering, and I was looking at it in the moment: okay, what is this? First there's an idea: what if they screw me over and don't pay me? Then I go back home, and that is going to be something bad, or really bad.
But then there is something about identity. I was trying to see what I am believing that I am, that feels so threatened. What I am feels dependent on receiving this money, or on this job. I was looking into that. Or there's the part that gets annoyed because it is disrespected. They've apologized, whatever. Anyway, there's annoyance. So is that the inquiry to be done?
That is a good one. One thing to pay attention to is whether there is a subtle belief or strategy: that if you see something in what you're looking at, you'll be able to avoid feeling something, or something of what's happening now will stop.
Yes, there is a bit of the idea that the fear can end, that if I see it, the fear wouldn't be there.
The essence of fear is not fear
Yes, but when the fear is happening, the fear is reality, right? In the sense that there is this. Think of what we were talking about with the glass cup. I can call it a glass cup, and it's useful to relate to it as a glass cup right now. But what is its essence? Its essence is not a glass cup. Yet right now it is appearing.
So when fear is appearing, any strategy to end fear assumes it to be what I think it is. It makes it more real than it is. Similarly, there is something I can call fear, but what it is essentially is not fear. The essence of fear is not fear. When you know the essence of fear, what appears as fear can still appear, and it is no longer fear. It doesn't stop appearing as fear.
So the inquiry is not fed by the illusion that when I find such-and-such, I will be able to change what's happening right now. That's still the future. That's still hunting for something in the future. You're still avoiding what's happening right now, with a strategy to avoid.
Intense pain without the need for it to stop
It's the same with physical pain. I looked it up and had objective confirmation that the kind of pain I was in is among the most painful things a human body can experience. And wow, was it fascinating. There was no need for it to stop. In fact, it was a complete, full immersion, not missing a second or an ounce of the taste of that experience.
So any idea of inquiry as something that eliminates or diminishes pain, suffering, or fear in any way is basically a strategy to avoid, and therefore not a true inquiry. A true inquiry is about truth, about knowing what is real. It is not a way to avoid or control something.
Unnecessary suffering
And what about the idea that there is unnecessary suffering?
It's a good idea. Say more.
In the sense that a lot of what I'm fearing, a lot of the pain, isn't necessary if only I could see it. So I must inquire deeper so that the unnecessary part stops.
I understand that pointing; I know where it came from. But if there is suffering, then it's necessary, because it's letting you know you're in illusion. Every spoken truth has its opposite truth. For example: there is unnecessary suffering. Okay. But any suffering that is happening is necessary, all the time, one hundred percent of it, because that's how you know you are in illusion. So it's very valuable. Precious.
It will show you that it wasn't necessary. Then, when you see through it, there's no more suffering, and you see that there never was any, in the sense that it's not essentially there. It's like fear. Suffering is appearing; I'm using this as an example of whatever is appearing. "Suffering! How do I avoid it, push it away, not see it?" No. Just see that all this is, is something appearing. I can call it a glass cup, but it's not essentially a glass cup. It's appearing, and I can call it suffering. But once I know its true nature, I know it's essentially not a glass cup. When fear is appearing, I know it's essentially not fear. I know it's essentially not suffering.
All suffering that is, was, or ever will be is illusory. It's not really there. It's like a mirage. It's like the snake when there's actually a rope.
The rope and the snake
But I understand, because I remember, less and less so, the experience of that appearing which I knew as suffering. Sometimes it was super intense and horrible, like hell. Sometimes it was less: just a constant, persistent, annoying underlying worry, fear, or pain. But I know now it never was that. It's like standing in front of a rope, having this whole internal reaction of torment about it, and then doing self-inquiry so that the snake stops being there. It's never there. It never was.
In fact, the real problem is doing self-inquiry to stop the rope from being there. That's the bigger problem. The rope is an intense sensation. The problem is the interpretation: that the intense sensation is something unbearable, that I will die, and then a whole bunch of narratives around it. That's the snake. Whereas it could simply be: "Wow, that's an intense sensation. Woohoo! What a ride." Fear, pain, even suffering.
Suffering is an intense mental experience, an intense mental imagination involving sensation in the body and the sense that it is real. Essentially, the bigger reactivity to it is the illusion. The experience of the rope does happen.
Settling without seeking it
Once I am okay just experiencing what is there, whether the intensity of the sensation or the mental intensity of the mind and body activating, once I am fine with that, things do settle. But if I am hunting and seeking that settling, it's more avoidance.
Yes, that's true. Thanks.
Thank you. It was a good moment to stop.